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i feel like i'm finally getting some real clarity about what happened here after talking to toni last night. and i feel like i'm finally ready not to rant and rage about how mad and hurt and angry i am. nothing, nothing, nothing will change what happened. she handled things in the worst way possible. and misunderstood a lot about what was going on with me over here. but in the midst of all that, and being overwhelmed in a new life in a crazy place that had absolutely nothing to do with me, she lost all sense of our relationship, and was carrying around a lot of resentment toward me (which was entirely misplaced and uncommunicated - and not at all my fault) but there is a lot that contributed to how something like that could happen including but not limited to her feeling of whether she even deserved the kind of love that i could give her and wanted to give her and was giving her and whether or not she deserved me. and well, now, she doesn't. she did before. now she doesn't. maybe she can again. that is just a matter of time. i'm still sick about it. it makes me nauseated. but i am understanding better. and moving forward. which i think is the best to hope for in this kind of situation. |
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