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i've definitely hit the anger stage of this whole thing with the cheating. i feel lied to, and i'm wondering how long i've been lied to and how could i not have picked up on it at all. it all happened so fast the best case scenario is that i wasn't lied to for very long. but everything is so uncertain right now. i'm at pete and cass's with mikey. i think about how i was here one time around last september, after i first met toni, and i was so anxious, because all i wanted was for her to call. i knew she was nervous about getting things started with me, so i wasn't sure if it would even get started. and then she called, and we set up a time to get together, and it all went from there. i am mad because i am here with my friends and with riley and i have to push away these wonderful thoughts of her. of when she first met riley and we were down here and all toni wanted to do was hold the baby and she said you have such great friends and i held her while she held the baby. i have to push away thoughts of the time when she and i had riley on our own, and how crazy and fun and hectic that was, and how i surprised her, by actually having an instinct about how to be with a baby. i am mad because all of the humor that we had, and the laughs and the silly and the roars and the sweet whispers, they are all tainted now with what she did. she should not have taken all that away from me. it was so much more valuable than that. and i hope that some day she can know and feel that too. |
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