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it's a stressful and exciting time. toni is about to come home from el salvador in about 50 hours (yes, i am counting) after being gone for four and a half months. she was also offered a year long job opportunity there and she has until tomorrow to let the CIS (the organization she works with) know whether she wants to take it or not. she is leaning toward yes, as of last night. i want to be with her. i want to go there if she ends up there for the year. i, of course, need to talk to her about this. i mentioned to her that i want to have a conversation about how we can make it work when she gets back. that maybe there is something in el salvador for me. i still have this inkling that she's checked out on me a bit. not fully. i know not fully. but she is a bit more distant than she was when she left. which makes sense. it has been a lot of time and space. but my feelings haven't changed and i'm still pretty open about expressing them. i get the feeling that her feelings toward me may not have changed much either but i feel as though she has become much more guarded. i don't know if i'm being overly sensitive. that's the thing. i might be. i very well might be. that's the hard thing is waiting to find out how she feels about me now and if she would even consider being with me next year. if she would allow me to come with her. it's a lot of stress. a lot of anxiety. and i want that part to end. c'mon friday. hurry the f up. |
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