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i was kind of wondering when/if the following might happen: toni broke the rules i set up and called me. i told her that email was it for right now. and that i could meet her again for coffee in a month from when we last met, but that we'd set it up over email. the last time we talked was a month ago today. but anyway, yeah, she hasn't really broken down like this before. she said she hasn't really realized fully what she's done more than she has this past month without me entirely. and that she's wanted to call me so many times but has stopped herself because of my request. she said she had a letter show up at her house and she thought it was my handwriting. she thought it was a letter from me saying that i couldn't ever see her or talk to her again. it wasn't. it was a thank you note from another friend. but just the thought process that she went through really shook her up. i told her that this has never been what i wanted. and that she did a really good job of pushing me right out of this relationship. we're going to meet next weekend for coffee. i hope i'm not just extending a continuation of this very painful break up. i don't know exactly if i've been healing without her. but i do know that we can't be in limbo again. i don't know exactly what she wants. i know she doesn't want this. the silence between us. but i don't know if we can get back into something. i know she knows it would take a lot. i don't know if she knows how/if/what that would work or look like. anyway, the silence has been broken. we talked. she cried. i didn't. that may be a first. i sort of guessed that it would slowly dawn on her how she messed up something really great. but what do i do with that? shouldn't she have known that already? dunno. dunno. so yeah. somehow i feel kind of at peace with this right now. hopefully that lasts a little while. |
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