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i'm having a pretty intense urge to contact toni. so i figure, since we're not doing that, i'll just vent it out. sometimes i just want to show up at her house and be like, hi. it's weird because it's not that big of a deal, spending time with people. i mean, this has become so serious. don't call me. i can't see you. etc etc. of course i have two emails from her and i did write her back after the second one. i'm wondering now what it really means to let go of someone. i talked a little bit about that with my therapist, what it means to let go, and she said that it is a very personal decision. how to let go. what that means. sometimes i think i'm doing great with that. like i'm doing it and it's working and i'm healing. and then i have days like today where i wake up with this missing toni gloom and i can't seem to kick it for the day, at least the day so far, and i just wish it were different. wish i could call. wish it wasn't so hard. but, that is not my reality. sometimes i get struck with, yeah, this is how it is now. and i look up from my desk and stare out the window and take a deep breath, and accept this version of my reality. it is a very interesting thing i'm going through. i wouldn't wish it on anyone. but, i am learning. and learning is good. rough, but good. ps my therapists phone went off at the beginning of our session and the ringer was set to the song "sweet dreams" by the eurythmics. i just thought that was funny. |
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