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t and i talked last night but we couldn't really talk -- it's so far and so hard to figure out what is really going on. my insecurities are appearing here and there. most of the time they are hidden away, and pushed aside. but it doesn't take much for me to go to the place where i think, maybe she's not coming back... maybe we won't restart our relationship... maybe we won't have more time after all. i think those are normal questions for a relationship under these circumstances. but i also hold on for a while to the things she says like "i love you" and "i miss you". i feel like that's all i have to hold on to right now. and sometimes it's not quite enough. and sometimes it is. depends on the day. today i feel okay but i know something is going on with her and i know it's probably not that she doesn't want to tell me but that she doesn't know how to, or she did tell me, and she's feeling anxious and stressed about her life. but if something is going on about how she feels about me, that is the hard part because how much can we really get into it under these circumstances. and for now, we really haven't. which in some ways makes it a lot easier and in some ways is a huge challenge. i don't feel like i have a lot to hold on to right now. great memories. hope for more. but nothing tangible right now. and that makes it hard. hard times. |
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