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i am not going to synagogue this year. not even for one minute. not even for the service on the most holy day of the year that even jews who never go to synagogue go to. this is not because i don't consider myself jewish or even a good jew, it's just that the way my family's synagogue goes about organized religion is not for me. this makes me a huge disappointment to my mother, and probably somewhat of a disappointment even to my father who is really hard to disappoint. i told my mom that i think in the future i will find a way to incorporate more judaism in my life, it just doesn't have the meaning that it needs to have for me to enjoy going at this particular juncture. i don't think this helped. i don't think there is anything that i could say/do that would help. i do have guilt (mother based, yes) but also because i know my grandmother (no longer with us) might be upset about my relationship with judaism at present, and honestly, her opinion (with the weight of her holocaust experience to back it up) really is the one that matters the most to me. and that, THAT, is what i don't know exactly how to reconcile. |
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